The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #5434

This is a rush transcript of Episode #5434 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s show was special coverage of the 2013 Cincinnati Mayoral  election. Guests included Tom Luken, the Mummified remains of Boss Cox, and a very perky Zombie Journalist.

RICHARD:  I am so very excited today to have a balanced panel of political observers joining me, who can help shed some light on what happened Tuesday in the election of Mayor. With me today are three local news hounds who really all match up well.  First I have an award winning Zombie journalist who has been following every word the two candidates have said throughout the campaign. Second I am joined by an esteemed Republican spin master, Boss Cox’s Mummified Remains.  Finally, I’m able to get an equally relevant opinion from sometimes Democrat Tom Luken.  Gents let’s get right to this, tell me what happened.

ZOMBIE:  Traaaainnnnsss

BOSS COX: (Muffled) Subway

LUKEN: If I can translate for my two colleagues: The evil Streetcar was defeated with the help of the living dead.

RICHARD: Fascinating, tell me  more, Tom.

LUKEN: Well, Richard, it has been a long known fact that vampires, or the Undead, have been residing in Cincinnati for some 200 years.  They finally got organized and were trying to take over the city by means of the Streetcar. Tuesday night we finally drove down to the neighborhood I tried to wall off from the rest of the City years ago, the so called Over-the-Rhine, and we literally drove a stake through the heart of the head vampire, thus rendering all of the lower blood sucking minions powerless.  Our key allies were the living dead, like my friend the Mummified remains of Boss Cox and the Zombie Journalist masses. The undead hate the Living Dead.  They hate the fact that the Living dead are mindless and are damn happy being that way.  They don’t need to be forced to do new things, like build livable cities.  I mean damn it, they are living in the city just fine now.

BOSS COX: Grrrrr

RICHARD:  What a story.  Tom, who was able to bring the living dead to your aid?

LUKEN: Richard, through the vision of Mayor-elect John Cranley, we got help from our Conservative and bible loving friends like Charlie Winburn, COAST, and Chris Smitherman and we dug deep into the past and long since been buried and put out to pasture.

RICHARD: What an election strategy, relying on old dead things to get votes.

LUKEN: Old things can still vote and all we need to know is what we need to fear, then vote against that fear.  John Cranley helped us find what we needed to fear and that fear was the inner city core of Vampire-run neighborhoods.  We have succeeded in pushing back myths about new ideas and thoughts, like the crazy notion that the Earth revolves around the sun.  It was a close call for us, but I am confident that we can send this Over-the-Rhine neighborhood back to what it was supposed to be, a dumping ground for all the fears and people we didn’t want in our clean neighborhoods.

RICHARD: I don’t know what else I can say to follow-up on that, so I’m just going make it the final word of the discussion.  I mean who could possibly disagree? I want to thank the Zombie journalist, the Mummified remains of Boss Cox, and the vampire slayer himself, Tom Luken.  Join us next time when we talk with Catholic bishops on the recent number of mysterious murders that many are blaming on monsters and demons.  Who honestly could believe in that type of thing?

The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #497

This is a rush transcript of Episode #497 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest was Gregor Philpotter, author of My 21 Years Living in a Cave.

RICHARD:  Can a man know himself well enough to spend 21 years living alone?  Is human contact over-rated?  Is Masturbation really enough? My guest today can answer those questions and much more.  Please welcome Gregor Philpotter to the Richard Mullen Show.

GREGOR: Thank you, Mr. Mullen.

RICHARD: Tell me, do you still live alone?

GREGOR: Actually, no, I no longer live alone, I found the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with and am very happy.

RICHARD: Great!  How long have you been out of the cave?

GREGOR: Well, Sharon and I moved in together nearly two years ago, and were just married three months ago.

RICHARD: Congratulations! That is wonderful!  I’m perplexed, however, how were you able to meet her?

GREGOR: Well, I’m happy to say that we met using an online dating service.

RICHARD: I am profoundly surprised, but also impressed.  I didn’t realize how advanced your cave was.

GREGOR: I lived like anyone else did, I had the internet and television.

RICHARD: That must have been expense to set up.

GREGOR: Not really, it was the standard cost, noting special

RICHARD: Wow, you must have gotten long term deals.  Anyway, tell me about the dampness.  How did you deal with that?

GREGOR: In the summers it could get a little humid, but I wouldn’t feel a thing, I used my central air all the time.

RICHARD: A/C?  Seriously?  I’m thinking the electrical set up must have been a nightmare alone, but duct-work too?

GREGOR: Yeah, it was all pretty standard.

RICHARD: Haha..for a cave.  That’s a good one.  Seriously, are you secretly wealthy?  Or was this really more of an old  bomb shelter you grandfather built in the early 1960’s?

GREGOR: It was actually a rehabbed 19th Century structure.

RICHARD: How did you manage to never leave?

GREGOR: Well my “cave” as it were, left me no choice.  I had locked myself in.

RICHARD: How did you eat?  Did you have stockpiles of food?


RICHARD: Did you have stockpiles of food in your cave?  This is why I brought up the bomb shelter idea, it was the only way I saw this as possible.

GREGOR: Wait a second, you think I lived in an actual cave for 21 years?

RICHARD: Ah, yes, Gregor, that’s what your book is about…

GREGOR: No, actually, it isn’t.

RICHARD: Ok, it about more than just living in a cave for 21 years, it is about how you coped with living in a cave for 21 years.

GREGOR: Have you read my book?

RICHARD: Oh, of course I did….

GREGOR: Really?

RICHARD: Ok, I’m sorry, I lied.  I try to read as much of any book a guest has written as I can.  This time I just did not have time.  I played in a celebrity Tennis Tournament last night and just didn’t have the time.

GREGOR: I see…

RICHARD: So I read the synopsis my assistant wrote for me.

GREGOR: Well, I don’t think your assistant read the book either if he/she thinks after reading the book I actually lived a cave for 21 years.

RICHARD: I apologize Gregor, on behalf of myself and my entire staff.  We are not perfect and can make mistakes.

GREGOR: I understand.  I just thought someone would have read the press kit my publisher sent along.  It has a three sentence description of the book which makes it clear what the book is about.

RICHARD: Well, again, sorry about that.  Guess we all had too much to drink after the celebrity Tennis tournament last night.  You see, I won, and I promised to take my staff out drinking if I won.  I keep my promises.  I promise you now, the chance to tell us, what is the book My 21 Years Living in a Cave by Gregor Philpotter, from Southgate Publishing, about?

GREGOR: Richard, it is about my living with and then conquering my fear of intimacy.

RICHARD: So, there was no actual cave?

GREGOR: The cave was a Metaphor.

RICHARD: Are you sure it wasn’t a simile?

GREGOR: Yes, I am sure.

RICHARD: Ok, well, we are almost out of time, so I wish to thank Gregor Philpotter author of My 21 Years Living in a Cave available now in paperback from Southgate Publishing.  Just to make everyone at home crystal clear on the topic, Gregor did not actually live in a cave.  Please ignore the links to spelunking and the Stalagmite blogs on our website next to his picture.  We apologize for any confusion.  Please join us next time.

The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #467

This is a rush transcript of Episode #467 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest Lorn DeLusted, shared his thoughts on life and culture in the Cincinnati Metro area.

RICHARD: When you want to know the pulse of the City, there is only one person to ask: Lorn DeLusted.  His off kilter viewpoints are a regular fixture here on the Richard Mullen Show.  I don’t think I could have found all of my younger mistresses without his help. Don’t tell my wife about that, though, its just between friends. Lorn, what outlandishness to you have for us today?

LORN: Uncle Dick does like him a liter of young ladies….

RICHARD: (laughing) I better update any new viewers out there to Lorn’s reference to my nom de guerre, Uncle Dick.  When I go out clubbing, I am always careful to not give my real name.

LORN: And I am sure you always wear a condom!

RICHARD: Only if she makes me!  (Laughter) Well, on to this weekend.  What will be the hotest spot?

LORN: April is indeed a cruel month!  I had to search high and low for the must be seen at event and I found it.  I won’t give out the address, but I will say there is a certain woman with a certain amazing house with an amazingly cavernous pussy…opps…I meant basement.  Wendy K. is throwing an invitation only clothes optional party at her house up a Ravinous hill.

RICHARD: Oh, I can tell you stories about Wendy K.  Let me just say, that Nathanael West must have been thinking of her when he wrote the line “A lollapalooza–all slut and a yard wide.” Those were the days Lorn, young Hollywood.  God how I miss it.

LORN: For you slacker viewers out there, they might be happy to learn that a new website is coming out to tell you exactly where to find free beer.  It only asks you for the emails of everyone you know, so it is a bargin.  Last week I ended up at this really big Westside guys house way out in Cheviot.  You would have thought I had boobs for the way he kept staring at me.  I was lucky I came with my loyal slavegyrl Mishella.  Never go to any party without a tall muscular man in a miniskirt.

RICHARD: Good advice for everyone.

LORN: I can’t tell you how many times it saved me from talking to some boring architect or designer.  I mean, who cares about drawing!

RICHARD: I can barely draw stick figures.

LORN: I had to sit through a lecture when trying to finish the nine flights of wine this woman bought me.  She so wanted to take me home with her, but I was only into her for the free drinks.

RICAHRD: What a card you are, what a card!

LORN: She would have been good in bed, but I don’t like women who wear jeans to a wine bar.  If you can’t show off your legs while drinking wine, then you are just poor white trash.

RICHARD: Hey now, poor white trash are people too.

LORN: They are, I know…I’m sorry…they give good head, I get it, I get it.

RICHARD: What big events are coming up this summer?

LORN: Well, there will be a weekly champaign crusie on the Ohio for anyone who knows Bobby D.  He has a large boat to make up for his small penis, and the ladies love him for it and his money.  The Ladies like money!

RICHARD: This is what I keep telling my accountant keeps when he asks where all of my money goes.

LORN: If you want to get laid, you have to had paid…the checks all night long.

RICHARD: Lorn, you know it, damn it man, you know it all too well.

LORN: I’m think we need another weekend in Mexico.  Hot tubs full of hookers,  a gross of sex frisbees, all the blow your money can buy, and we can even bring your wife.

RICHARD: Hold on, hold on. You had me up to the wife part..(laughter)

LORN: She likes to party too, or so I hear….

RICHARD: In her youth, she was known to show up naked at biker bars, but who didn’t?

LORN: I’ve hear stories even you don’t know.

RICHARD: Really? Well TMX would pay you a mint for them.  Then you would be buying me the blow!

LORN: A good scenester never buys the blow, at least not with money.

RICHARD: Another lesson for the book?

LORN: It may be, still working on that.  It would have to pass many legal hurdles.  Not all of the friends are as forgiving as you.

RICHARD: You are too much. My guest has been Lorn DeLusted sharing this weekend’s coolest events in Cincinnati.  If you find a way to join the fun, remember to not take photos of anyone snorting coke.  It is just a big social no-no.

LORN: If anyone does have photos like that, I’ll buy them!

RICHARD: What a card!

The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #458

This is a rush transcript of Episode #458 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s Guests were Dalia Winters and Todd Lang, co-authors of  the book Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza.

RICHARD:  Peperoni…Mushrooms…Sausage…are what I want on my pizza.  If there are two people in the world who know Pizza better than my guests, Dalia Winters and Todd Lang authors of a tasteful read: Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza, then point them out.  I hope to learn everything I can about pizza in about 8 minutes. Later we’ll be prank calling pizza orders, but first let me ask: Thin or Thick crust, what should I have?

TODD: Always go with thin crust, you don’t need the extra dough to cloud the flavors.

RICHARD: Dalia, do you agree?

DALIA: I…I…I…really am sorry, but I need to say something.

RICHARD: That’s why you’re here.

DALIA: I’m sorry, but I just can’t go on any more. Todd, I hate to do this right now, but we can’t date any more and to be honest, I’ve been cheating on you, again.

TODD: What?

RICHARD: Todd, it would appear Dalia has been cheating on you, again, and I am guessing by the fact that she is taking off her ear piece and is walking away, that she may be leaving you.

TODD: Dalia, what are you doing?  Where are you going?  Is this another sick joke?

RICHARD: Todd, I’m sorry but my producers are telling me that Dalia just told them that this is no joke, you just got dumped live on television, on the Richard Mullen Show to be precise. What kind of pizza goes with a broken heart?

TODD: It’s…

RICHARD: Yes, Todd?

TODD: Oh, God, this can’t be happening. Not Today.  I thought we had worked it out.

RICHARD: Worked what out?

TODD: She told me she had stopped seeing Chris six months ago.  I..I…I don’t understand. (crying)

RICHARD: Todd, what do you suppose made her cheat? Does it have anything to do with Pizza?

TODD: (crying) No, I, don’t know. (crying)

RICHARD: Were book sales going well enough?

TODD: Well, Chris’s last report said sales were doing well.

RICHARD:  Chris is?

TODD: Our Agent.

RICHARD: And your girlfriend’s new lover?

TODD:  Old and new lover, apparently.

RICHARD: Well, once a cheater always a cheater, they always say.

TODD: I should have known, I suppose.

RICHARD: Well, at least you have pizza.

TODD: Yeah, I guess I’ll always have pizza.

RICHARD: Who needs love when you can have deep dish! Thank you for your honestly, Todd.

TODD: I think I need a drink.

RICHARD: You might just want an entire bottle.  Todd Lang has been our guest along with his ex-girlfriend Dalia Winters. Both are co-authors of the book Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza, which is #747 on Amazon’s best-selling non-fiction list. Oh, late word from one our producers, on her way out of the studio, Dalia also told the producer that Todd has a really small penis, not that this matters in the Pizza world, but I thought I would just pass it along.

The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #445

This is a rush transcript of Episode #445 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest was Chuck Krontz, self-proclaimed “King of Unrequited Love.” His new book, The Myth of Love, is now available in paperback.

RICHARD: Do you love someone, yet they have no idea or they just don’t care?  Our guest today is the self-proclaimed King of Unrequited Love and will share his thoughts on love and what it all means. Chuck Krontz, welcome to the Richard Mullen Show.  What is love?

CHUCK: Richard, love is a myth.

RICHARD: Yes, your book makes that clear, and it’s a great read, by the way.  What makes you the King of Unrequited Love?

CHUCK: Well, I have tallied the most women who I have loved, but who never returned that love.

RICHARD: That is a bold claim, how many women are we talking?  3 or 5 or maybe 9?

CHUCK: Try 87 women.

RICHARD: 87? Good God Man, that is a huge number!  I give you the crown, no questions asked, well, just a few more questions…(laughter).

CHUCK: Of course.

RICHARD: How did you fall in love with so many women, yet have none of the 87 love you?

CHUCK:  It was dumb luck and well, I get over broken hearts very quickly.

RICHARD: How many of these women did you date?

CHUCK: Only a small portion, maybe five or so.  Most Unrequited Love goes unsaid.  I would say only half of the women I’ve loved ever had any idea I had any type of feelings for them.

RICHARD: Have you ever been married?

CHUCK: Only in my mind, Richard, Only in my Mind.

RICHARD: (Laughter) Hah, yes, of course!

CHUCK: In all seriousness, no, I’ve never been married.  Not even been close.

RICHARD: How did you meet all of these women?

CHUCK: Well, some of them I didn’t really know.

RICHARD: Didn’t know them?  What do you mean?  How do you love someone you don’t know?

CHUCK:  I have spoken to all of them. There were many different types and situations.  Sometimes I’d fall for the barista at my local coffeeshop, that happened more than once.  Sometimes it was a bartender or waitress.  I’ve fallen for my college room-mate’s sister.  I’ve been in love with female friends over the years, off and on.  My hair stylist is an amazing woman.  Then there were a few professors in college.

RICHARD: I think our viewers get the picture.

CHUCK: Do they?  I once fell in love with my girlfriend’s best friend.  That was a thorny minefield.  I ending up telling my girlfriend how I felt. That ended things quickly. She and her friend never talked to me again.  Funny part was I never loved my girlfriend.  Only a handful of women I dated, the five I mentioned before, were women I actually loved.  Dating is the part of love that is the biggest hindrance to actually finding love.

RICHARD: But I thought you said love was a myth?

CHUCK: Well, that’s a gimmick to sell books.  It’s not really a myth, it is just so rare.

RICHARD: You really think it is rare?  I am in love with my wife.  Most of the people I know are married and in love.  How is it rare?

CHUCK: Well, the question was asked in lyric long ago “Why do fools fall in love?” The real answer is that question is that too many fools think they are in love, but they really are not.

RICHARD: I see. So, how do you tell the difference between love and false love?

CHUCK: Well, most of the time it is not real love, it is Unrequited Love, of which I know all about.

RICHARD: You mean both parties of most marriages don’t love each other?

CHUCK: Correct.  Someone settled on someone or maybe both settled on each other and were too scared of being alone.  Why do you think there are so many divorces?  When you settle, odds are it won’t last, unless you settle when you are over age 50.

RICHARD: Food for thought.  One last question: Will you ever fall in love?

CHUCK: Well, I’m 47 years old. I’m not dead, but the odds are against me. All I can do is hope and keep my online dating profile up-to-date.

RICHARD: Chuck Krontz, author of The Myth of Love, now in paperback, has been our guest.  Thank you Chuck, and I hope to have you back again.

CHUCK: Thanks Richard, it has been fun.

RICHARD: Tomorrow night, join us for Betty Nixon, on the plight of the single women in today’s dog eat dog Business world.  Chuck, do you want her number?