This is a rush transcript of Episode #5434 of the Richard Mullen Show. Today’s show was special coverage of the 2013 Cincinnati Mayoral election. Guests included Tom Luken, the Mummified remains of Boss Cox, and a very perky Zombie Journalist.
RICHARD: I am so very excited today to have a balanced panel of political observers joining me, who can help shed some light on what happened Tuesday in the election of Mayor. With me today are three local news hounds who really all match up well. First I have an award winning Zombie journalist who has been following every word the two candidates have said throughout the campain. Second I am joined by an esteemed Republican spin master, Boss Cox’s Mummified Remains. Finally, I’m able to get an equally relevant opinion from sometimes Democrat Tom Luken. Gents let's get right to this, tell me what happened.
BOSS COX: (Muffled) Subway
LUKEN: If I can translate for my two colleagues: The evil Streetcar was defeated with the help of the living dead.
RICHARD: Fascinating, tell me more, Tom.
LUKEN: Well, Richard, it has been a long known fact that vampires, or the Undead, have been residing in Cincinnati for some 200 years. They finally got organized and were trying to take over the city by means of the Streetcar. Tuesday night we finally drove down to the neighborhood I tried to wall off from the rest of the City years ago, the so called Over-the-Rhine, and we literally drove a stake through the heart of the head vampire, thus rendering all of the lower blood sucking minions powerless. Our key allies were the living dead, like my friend the Mummified remains of Boss Cox and the Zombie Journalist masses. The undead hate the Living Dead. They hate the fact that the Living dead are mindless and are damn happy being that way. They don’t need to be forced to do new things, like build livable cities. I mean damn it, they are living in the city just fine now.
BOSS COX: Grrrrr
RICHARD: What a story. Tom, who was able to bring the living dead to your aid?
LUKEN: Richard, through the vision of Mayor-elect John Cranley, we got help from our Conservative and bible loving friends like Charlie Winburn, COAST, and Chris Smitherman and we dug deep into the past and resurrected ideas and people who had long since been buried and put out to pasture.
RICHARD: What an election strategy, relying on old dead things to get votes.
LUKEN: Old things can still vote and all we need to know is what we need to fear, then vote against that fear. John Cranley helped us find what we needed to fear and that fear was the inner city core of Vampire-run neighborhoods. We have succeeded in pushing back myths about new ideas and thoughts, like the crazy notion that the Earth revolves around the sun. It was a close call for us, but I am confident that we can send this Over-the-Rhine neighborhood back to what it was supposed to be, a dumping ground for all the fears and people we didn't want in our clean neighborhoods.
RICHARD: I don’t know what else I can say to follow-up on that, so I’m just going make it the final word of the discussion. I mean who could possibly disagree? I want to thank the Zombie journalist, the Mummified remains of Boss Cox, and the vampire slayer himself, Tom Luken. Join us next time when we talk with Catholic bishops on the recent number of mysterious murders that many are blaming on monsters and demons. Who honestly could believe in that type of thing?