The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #5434

Nov
07

This is a rush transcript of Episode #5434 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s show was special coverage of the 2013 Cincinnati Mayoral election. Guests included Tom Luken, the Mummified remains of Boss Cox, and a very perky Zombie Journalist.

RICHARD:  I am so very excited today to have a balanced panel of political observers joining me, who can help shed some light on what happened Tuesday in the election of Mayor. With me today are three local news hounds who really all match up well.  First I have an award winning Zombie journalist who has been following every word the two candidates have said throughout the campain. Second I am joined by an esteemed Republican spin master, Boss Cox’s Mummified Remains.  Finally, I’m able to get an equally relevant opinion from sometimes Democrat Tom Luken.  Gents let's get right to this, tell me what happened.

ZOMBIE:  Traaaainnnnsss

BOSS COX: (Muffled) Subway

LUKEN: If I can translate for my two colleagues: The evil Streetcar was defeated with the help of the living dead.

RICHARD: Fascinating, tell me  more, Tom.

LUKEN: Well, Richard, it has been a long known fact that vampires, or the Undead, have been residing in Cincinnati for some 200 years.  They finally got organized and were trying to take over the city by means of the Streetcar.  Tuesday night we finally drove down to the neighborhood I tried to wall off from the rest of the City years ago, the so called Over-the-Rhine, and we literally drove a stake through the heart of the head vampire, thus rendering all of the lower blood sucking minions powerless.  Our key allies were the living dead, like my friend the Mummified remains of Boss Cox and the Zombie Journalist masses. The undead hate the Living Dead.  They hate the fact that the Living dead are mindless and are damn happy being that way.  They don’t need to be forced to do new things, like build livable cities.  I mean damn it, they are living in the city just fine now.

BOSS COX: Grrrrr

RICHARD:  What a story.  Tom, who was able to bring the living dead to your aid?

LUKEN: Richard, through the vision of Mayor-elect John Cranley, we got help from our Conservative and bible loving friends like Charlie Winburn, COAST, and Chris Smitherman and we dug deep into the past and resurrected ideas and people who had long since been buried and put out to pasture.

RICHARD: What an election strategy, relying on old dead things to get votes.

LUKEN: Old things can still vote and all we need to know is what we need to fear, then vote against that fear.  John Cranley helped us find what we needed to fear and that fear was the inner city core of Vampire-run neighborhoods.  We have succeeded in pushing back myths about new ideas and thoughts, like the crazy notion that the Earth revolves around the sun.  It was a close call for us, but I am confident that we can send this Over-the-Rhine neighborhood back to what it was supposed to be, a dumping ground for all the fears and people we didn't want in our clean neighborhoods.

RICHARD: I don’t know what else I can say to follow-up on that, so I’m just going make it the final word of the discussion.  I mean who could possibly disagree? I want to thank the Zombie journalist, the Mummified remains of Boss Cox, and the vampire slayer himself, Tom Luken.  Join us next time when we talk with Catholic bishops on the recent number of mysterious murders that many are blaming on monsters and demons.  Who honestly could believe in that type of thing?

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The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #497

Nov
11

This is a rush transcript of Episode #497 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest was Gregor Philpotter, author of My 21 Years Living in a Cave.

RICHARD:  Can a man know himself well enough to spend 21 years living alone?  Is human contact over-rated?  Is Masturbation really enough? My guest today can answer those questions and much more.  Please welcome Gregor Philpotter to the Richard Mullen Show.

GREGOR: Thank you, Mr. Mullen.

RICHARD: Tell me, do you still live alone?

GREGOR: Actually, no, I no longer live alone, I found the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with and am very happy.

RICHARD: Great!  How long have you been out of the cave? 

GREGOR: Well, Sharon and I moved in together nearly two years ago, and were just married three months ago.

RICHARD: Congratulations! That is wonderful!  I’m perplexed, however, how were you able to meet her?

GREGOR: Well, I’m happy to say that we met using an online dating service.

RICHARD: I am profoundly surprised, but also impressed.  I didn’t realize how advanced your cave was.

GREGOR: I lived like anyone else did, I had the internet and television.

RICHARD: That must have been expense to set up.

GREGOR: Not really, it was the standard cost, noting special

RICHARD: Wow, you must have gotten long term deals.  Anyway, tell me about the dampness.  How did you deal with that?

GREGOR: In the summers it could get a little humid, but I wouldn’t feel a thing, I used my central air all the time.

RICHARD: A/C?  Seriously?  I’m thinking the electrical set up must have been a nightmare alone, but duct-work too?

GREGOR: Yeah, it was all pretty standard.

RICHARD: Haha..for a cave.  That’s a good one.  Seriously, are you secretly wealthy?  Or was this really more of an old  bomb shelter you grandfather built in the early 1960’s?

GREGOR: It was actually a rehabbed 19th Century structure.

RICHARD: How did you manage to never leave?

GREGOR: Well my “cave” as it were, left me no choice.  I had locked myself in.

RICHARD: How did you eat?  Did you have stockpiles of food?

GREGOR: What?

RICHARD: Did you have stockpiles of food in your cave?  This is why I brought up the bomb shelter idea, it was the only way I saw this as possible.

GREGOR: Wait a second, you think I lived in an actual cave for 21 years?

RICHARD: Ah, yes, Gregor, that’s what your book is about…

GREGOR: No, actually, it isn’t.

RICHARD: Ok, it about more than just living in a cave for 21 years, it is about how you coped with living in a cave for 21 years.

GREGOR: Have you read my book?

RICHARD: Oh, of course I did….

GREGOR: Really?

RICHARD: Ok, I’m sorry, I lied.  I try to read as much of any book a guest has written as I can.  This time I just did not have time.  I played in a celebrity Tennis Tournament last night and just didn’t have the time.

GREGOR: I see…

RICHARD: So I read the synopsis my assistant wrote for me.

GREGOR: Well, I don’t think your assistant read the book either if he/she thinks after reading the book I actually lived a cave for 21 years.

RICHARD: I apologize Gregor, on behalf of myself and my entire staff.  We are not perfect and can make mistakes.

GREGOR: I understand.  I just thought someone would have read the press kit my publisher sent along.  It has a three sentence description of the book which makes it clear what the book is about.

RICHARD: Well, again, sorry about that.  Guess we all had too much to drink after the celebrity Tennis tournament last night.  You see, I won, and I promised to take my staff out drinking if I won.  I keep my promises.  I promise you now, the chance to tell us, what is the book My 21 Years Living in a Cave by Gregor Philpotter, from Southgate Publishing, about?

GREGOR: Richard, it is about my living with and then conquering my fear of intimacy. 

RICHARD: So, there was no actual cave?

GREGOR: The cave was a Metaphor.

RICHARD: Are you sure it wasn’t a simile?

GREGOR: Yes, I am sure.

RICHARD: Ok, well, we are almost out of time, so I wish to thank Gregor Philpotter author of My 21 Years Living in a Cave available now in paperback from Southgate Publishing.  Just to make everyone at home crystal clear on the topic, Gregor did not actually live in a cave.  Please ignore the links to spelunking and the Stalagmite blogs on our website next to his picture.  We apologize for any confusion.  Please join us next time.

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The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #467

Nov
08

This is a rush transcript of Episode #467 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest Lorn DeLusted, shared his thoughts on life and culture in the Cincinnati Metro area.

RICHARD: When you want to know the pulse of the City, there is only one person to ask: Lorn DeLusted.  His off kilter viewpoints are a regular fixture here on the Richard Mullen Show.  I don't think I could have found all of my younger mistresses without his help. Don't tell my wife about that, though, its just between friends. Lorn, what outlandishness to you have for us today?

LORN: Uncle Dick does like him a liter of young ladies....

RICHARD: (laughing) I better update any new viewers out there to Lorn's reference to my nom de guerre, Uncle Dick.  When I go out clubbing, I am always careful to not give my real name.

LORN: And I am sure you always wear a condom!

RICHARD: Only if she makes me!  (Laughter) Well, on to this weekend.  What will be the hotest spot?

LORN: April is indeed a cruel month!  I had to search high and low for the must be seen at event and I found it.  I won't give out the address, but I will say there is a certain woman with a certain amazing house with an amazingly cavernous pussy...opps...I meant basement.  Wendy K. is throwing an invitation only clothes optional party at her house up a Ravinous hill.

RICHARD: Oh, I can tell you stories about Wendy K.  Let me just say, that Nathanael West must have been thinking of her when he wrote the line "A lollapalooza--all slut and a yard wide." Those were the days Lorn, young Hollywood.  God how I miss it.

LORN: For you slacker viewers out there, they might be happy to learn that a new website is coming out to tell you exactly where to find free beer.  It only asks you for the emails of everyone you know, so it is a bargin.  Last week I ended up at this really big Westside guys house way out in Cheviot.  You would have thought I had boobs for the way he kept staring at me.  I was lucky I came with my loyal slavegyrl Mishella.  Never go to any party without a tall muscular man in a miniskirt.

RICHARD: Good advice for everyone.

LORN: I can't tell you how many times it saved me from talking to some boring architect or designer.  I mean, who cares about drawing!

RICHARD: I can barely draw stick figures.

LORN: I had to sit through a lecture when trying to finish the nine flights of wine this woman bought me.  She so wanted to take me home with her, but I was only into her for the free drinks.

RICAHRD: What a card you are, what a card!

LORN: She would have been good in bed, but I don't like women who wear jeans to a wine bar.  If you can't show off your legs while drinking wine, then you are just poor white trash.

RICHARD: Hey now, poor white trash are people too.

LORN: They are, I know...I'm sorry...they give good head, I get it, I get it.

RICHARD: What big events are coming up this summer?

LORN: Well, there will be a weekly champaign crusie on the Ohio for anyone who knows Bobby D.  He has a large boat to make up for his small penis, and the ladies love him for it and his money.  The Ladies like money!

RICHARD: This is what I keep telling my accountant keeps when he asks where all of my money goes.

LORN: If you want to get laid, you have to had paid...the checks all night long.

RICHARD: Lorn, you know it, damn it man, you know it all too well.

LORN: I'm think we need another weekend in Mexico.  Hot tubs full of hookers,  a gross of sex frisbees, all the blow your money can buy, and we can even bring your wife.

RICHARD: Hold on, hold on. You had me up to the wife part..(laughter)

LORN: She likes to party too, or so I hear....

RICHARD: In her youth, she was known to show up naked at biker bars, but who didn't?

LORN: I’ve hear stories even you don’t know.

RICHARD: Really? Well TMX would pay you a mint for them.  Then you would be buying me the blow!

LORN: A good scenester never buys the blow, at least not with money.

RICHARD: Another lesson for the book?

LORN: It may be, still working on that.  It would have to pass many legal hurdles.  Not all of the friends are as forgiving as you.

RICHARD: You are too much. My guest has been Lorn DeLusted sharing this weekend’s coolest events in Cincinnati.  If you find a way to join the fun, remember to not take photos of anyone snorting coke.  It is just a big social no-no.

LORN: If anyone does have photos like that, I’ll buy them!

RICHARD: What a card!

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CincyFringe Review: Rodney Rumple's Random Reality

May
31


The Performance Gallery is the standard for the Cincinnati Fringe Festival. They have been here every year and they make the standard for Fringe because every year they do a completely unique show.  This year's Rodney Rumple's Random Reality takes the group in vastly new direction.

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The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #458

Apr
28

This is a rush transcript of Episode #458 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s Guests were Dalia Winters and Todd Lang, co-authors of  the book Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza.

RICHARD:  Peperoni…Mushrooms…Sausage…are what I want on my pizza.  If there are two people in the world who know Pizza better than my guests, Dalia Winters and Todd Lang authors of a tasteful read: Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza, then point them out.  I hope to learn everthing I can about pizza in about 8 minutes. Later we’ll be prank calling pizza orders, but first let me ask: Thin or Thick crust, what should I have?

TODD: Always go with thin crust, you don’t need the extra dough to cloud the flavors.

RICHARD: Dalia, do you agree?

DALIA: I…I…I…really am sorry, but I need to say something.

RICHARD: That’s why you’re here.

DALIA: I’m sorry, but I just can’t go on any more. Todd, I hate to do this right now, but we can’t date any more and to be honest, I’ve been cheating on you, again.

TODD: What?

RICHARD: Todd, it would appear Dalia has been cheating on you, again, and I am guessing by the fact that she is taking off her ear piece and is walking away, that she may be leaving you.

TODD: Dalia, what are you doing?  Where are you going?  Is this another sick joke?

RICHARD: Todd, I’m sorry but my producers are telling me that Dalia just told them that this is no joke, you just got dumped live on television, on the Richard Mullen Show to be precise. What kind of pizza goes with a broken heart?

TODD: It’s…

RICHARD: Yes, Todd?

TODD: Oh, God, this can’t be happening. Not Today.  I thought we had worked it out.

RICHARD: Worked what out?

TODD: She told me she had stopped seeing Chris six months ago.  I..I…I don’t understand. (crying)

RICHARD: Todd, what do you suppose made her cheat? Does it have anything to do with Pizza?

TODD: (crying) No, I, don’t know. (crying)

RICHARD: Were book sales going well enough?

TODD: Well, Chris’s last report said sales were doing well.

RICHARD:  Chris is?

TODD: Our Agent.

RICHARD: And your girlfriend’s new lover?

TODD:  Old and new lover, apparently.

RICHARD: Well, once a cheater always a cheater, they always say.

TODD: I should have known, I suppose.

RICHARD: Well, at least you have pizza.

TODD: Yeah, I guess I’ll always have pizza.

RICHARD: Who needs love when you can have deep dish! Thank you for your honestly, Todd.

TODD: I think I need a drink.

RICHARD: You might just want an entire bottle.  Todd Lang has been our guest along with his ex-girlfriend Dalia Winters. Both are co-authors of the book Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza, which is #747 on Amazon’s best-selling non-fiction list. Oh, late word from one our producers, on her way out of the studio, Dalia also told the producer that Todd has a really small penis, not that this matters in the Pizza world, but I thought I would just pass it along.

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The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #445

Apr
15

This is a rush transcript of Episode #445 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest was Chuck Krontz, self-proclaimed “King of Unrequited Love.” His new book, The Myth of Love, is now available in paperback.

RICHARD: Do you love someone, yet they have no idea or they just don’t care?  Our guest today is the self-proclaimed King of Unrequited Love and will share his thoughts on love and what it all means. Chuck Krontz, welcome to the Richard Mullen Show.  What is love?

CHUCK: Richard, love is a myth.

RICHARD: Yes, your book makes that clear, and it's a great read, by the way.  What makes you the King of Unrequited Love?

CHUCK: Well, I have tallied the most women who I have loved, but who never returned that love.

RICHARD: That is a bold claim, how many women are we talking?  3 or 5 or maybe 9?

CHUCK: Try 87 women.

RICHARD: 87? Good God Man, that is a huge number!  I give you the crown, no questions asked, well, just a few more questions…(laughter).

CHUCK: Of course.

RICHARD: How did you fall in love with so many women, yet have none of the 87 love you?

CHUCK:  It was dumb luck and well, I get over broken hearts very quickly.

RICHARD: How many of these women did you date?

CHUCK: Only a small portion, maybe five or so.  Most Unrequited Love goes unsaid.  I would say only half of the women I’ve loved ever had any idea I had any type of feelings for them.

RICHARD: Have you ever been married?

CHUCK: Only in my mind, Richard, Only in my Mind.

RICHARD: (Laughter) Hah, yes, of course!

CHUCK: In all seriousness, no, I’ve never been married.  Not even been close.

RICHARD: How did you meet all of these women?

CHUCK: Well, some of them I didn’t really know.

RICHARD: Didn’t know them?  What do you mean?  How do you love someone you don’t know?

CHUCK:  I have spoken to all of them. There were many different types and situations.  Sometimes I’d fall for the barista at my local coffeeshop, that happend more than once.  Sometimes it was a bartender or waitress.  I’ve fallen for my college room-mate’s sister.  I’ve been in love with female friends over the years, off and on.  My hair stylist is an amazing woman.  Then there were a few professors in college.

RICHARD: I think our viewers get the picture.

CHUCK: Do they?  I once fell in love with my girlfriend’s best friend.  That was a thorny minefield.  I ending up telling my girlfriend how I felt. That ended things quickly. She and her friend never talked to me again.  Funny part was I never loved my girlfriend.  Only a handful of women I dated, the five I mentioned before, were women I actually loved.  Dating is the part of love that is the biggest hindrance to actually finding love.

RICHARD: But I thought you said love was a myth?

CHUCK: Well, that’s a gimmick to sell books.  It’s not really a myth, it is just so rare.

RICHARD: You really think it is rare?  I am in love with my wife.  Most of the people I know are married and in love.  How is it rare?

CHUCK: Well, the question was asked in lyric long ago “Why do fools fall in love?” The real answer is that question is that too many fools think they are in love, but they really are not.

RICHARD: I see. So, how do you tell the difference between love and false love?

CHUCK: Well, most of the time it is not real love, it is Unrequited Love, of which I know all about.

RICHARD: You mean both parties of most marriages don’t love each other?

CHUCK: Correct.  Someone settled on someone or maybe both settled on each other and were too scared of being alone.  Why do you think there are so many divorces?  When you settle, odds are it won’t last, unless you settle when you are over age 50.

RICHARD: Food for thought.  One last question: Will you ever fall in love?

CHUCK: Well, I’m 47 years old. I’m not dead, but the odds are against me. All I can do is hope and keep my online dating profile up-to-date.

RICHARD: Chuck Krontz, author of The Myth of Love, now in paperback, has been our guest.  Thank you Chuck, and I hope to have you back again.

CHUCK: Thanks Richard, it has been fun.

RICHARD: Tomorrow night, join us for Betty Nixon, on the plight of the single women in today’s dog eat dog Business world.  Chuck, do you want her number?

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Not Smelling the Rotten Meat

Apr
14

Pariah #1: Last night I had this dream where I left a gallon jug of waffle batter on the kitchen counter and then just put it away in the morning.  It was so real.  I even remember sniffing the batter to see if it smelled bad.  I don’t even know if it can go bad, let alone if it can go bad in one night.

Pariah #2: Huh, yeah, interesting.

Pariah #1: I love the dreams that you can smell.  They are so crisp.  Actually smelling dinner or flowers or the crotch of the women you’re having sex with…that's vivid...that's inspiration.

Pariah #2: Have you ever noticed that people really don’t like us?

Pariah #1: Us?  No! Everyone digs us!

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Mars and Other Odd Occurrences

Apr
06

BLOB #1: I hate going to dinner the same place every week.

BLOB #2: I hate taking you to dinner...

BLOB #1: Where did we park the car?

BLOB #2: You can drive?

BLOB #1: No, but the human you ate for dinner might still be able to drive.

BLOB #2: Good point!  Pardon the gas as I cough him up.

MAN: Ahahahahahah, what the fuck is happening????

BLOB #1: Damn it, humans are so incredibly ugly.

BLOB #2: Preaching to choir, preaching to the choir.

BLOB #1: One of these days, we are going to run out of them to consume, what are we going to do then?

BLOB #2: Who cares, by that point, we'll have died.

 

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A Desire For Something

Mar
30

#1: So, there’s this thing I want to do.

#2: Yes, I know.

#1: Do you?

#2: Yes, I’ve known what you want to do for years now.

#1: How could you have known?  I didn’t tell anyone.

#2: There are some things you don’t have to say out loud.

#1: I’m not that transparent.

#2: Yes you are and it is both cute and ugly.  All the blood and guts showing, nothing you want to see while eating breakfast.

#1: So you do indeed know what I want to do.

#2: I wasn’t lying.

#1: Which is a first.

#2: Careful, if you want to have breakfast with me, you better be nice.

#1: I’ll worry about breakfast later..you know...in the morning.

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TheConveyor 2011 Awards of Excellence

Jun
11

It is time again for TheConveyor.com to put forth our opinions and bestow the Awards of Excellence for the Cincinnati Fringe Festival.  2011 was another top notch year with the quality of productions up again.  This year's difference was that no single show was way ahead of the pack.  Our top shows all were very close in ranking, making it very difficult to pick just one show at the top. We made a choice, but I think this year a case could be made for three or four shows to be the overall best. We had to chose only one.

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CincyFringe Review: You Only Live Forever Once

Jun
09

If you've seen the movie True Lies, Bill Paxton plays a used car salesman who pretends to be a spy.  Now, this has absolutely nothing to do with the Four Humor's newest show, You Only Live Forever Once, but if you imagine the pretend spy world that Bill Paxton's character would be living in, it might be something like this show, including the puppets.

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CincyFringe Review: I Love You (We're Fucked)

Jun
05

 

Kevin Thornton's I Love You (We're Fucked) filled the sweaty Artworks space with both eager audience members and wonderfully funny stories and songs.  Thornton is an extremely talented performer who has improved on his 2009 CincyFringe show Sex, Dreams & Self-Control with a crisp comedy that was more fast past and improvisational.  Kevin knows how to put on a show and knows how to push the crowd over they edge with him.

The tone of the show takes many more detours.  You don't know what he is going to say, but that will not scare the audience if they aren't prudish.  The prudes might want to skip this one.  Beware of the "Blood stories" as they mix emotional elements that snap back to humor very quickly.

I sat in the back, which is slightly elevated, giving a better sightline.  The sound was fine for me in the back, but had room to be louder.  The heat was intense, literally.  Kevin was nearly topless by end after removing his shirt and tie.  I don't think this was part of the show, more of a reality to a hot fringe night for a sell out crowd.

 

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The Seedy Seeds Video: Verb Noun

Apr
16

Check out the Seedy Seeds latest video filmed while on their national tour supporting their latest album: Verb Noun.

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Declaration of Principles

Mar
30

We contain multitudes. Cincinnati is a vibrant city with life bubbling over. If you were to stick with the mainstream channels of information, you wouldn't know how alive Cincinnati is. We are here to change that. We are the Conveyor. We aim to be original, but not obtuse. Our mission is the explore the city and bring our readers experiences and opportunities.


I, Mr. Editor, have started this endeavor to bring the people of Cincinnati closer to their own community. The goal is to open the eyes of the people of Cincinnati and peak their interests. No matter what you like to do, you can fill your mind with it here in the Cincinnati area. In our attempt to meet this goal, here are the principles we will employ:

 

  1. Have fun - Yes, this is something we are doing for fun. Fun doesn't mean everything is a joke. Fun means we enjoy what we are writing about. If we get a little irreverent along the way, well, blame the booze. In the case of some of our writers, blame the Nietzsche.
  2. Be honest - Our writers are going to write what is on their minds. They will not go on personal crusades. They will not fear telling the truth. If something sucks, they are going to say it sucks. They will not be jerks about it or will not be writing here.
  3. Be original - Lead. Only follow when the leader is worth being followed. Make waves, don't just ride them.
  4. Write from your point of view - We are writing opinion. We are not a news organization, so don't be surprised when we like something or don't like something.
  5. Be intellectual - We are not fluff. We're going to use our noggin and make the reader use theirs too. We will try, desperately, to not make it stuffy and certainly will try to not make it boring.
  6. Be factual - We will try to make everything we write as accurate as possible. We will try not to give an opinion that is laced with ulterior motives. If we have a stake in something, we will be up front about it.
  7. Be different, but not just because - Difference is great. Being different just to break away from something popular is about ego, not about learning. We are unique, but we want to relate and communicate with everyone. We can't do that if we just are going to shy away from other people who are doing great things. If something is popular we want to know why. We may not like it, but we'll try to let you be judge of that, after we give our take.

Effort is what counts. Results matter, but are not an exclusive method to measure success. If there are times when we don't meet your expectations, we will listen to what have to say, but we will not act without determining the facts for ourselves. We will not beat ourselves to death if a insignificant point isn't perfect. Call it rough or raw if you want, we are not going to lose sleep over minor details.

We are a work in progress. The Conveyor will not stand still. It may take a kick in the ass sometimes, but we'll keep it moving.
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